DAY 10 (LOLA'S 12 DAYS OF XMAS)

Morning

I wake up this morning to meet my breakfast of boiled Irish potatoes and tomato sauce on my dressing table but when I tried opening my door, it was still locked. I went into the bathroom brushed my teeth, did my facials and had my morning bath. Somehow, I was beginning to feel heavy. Maybe it's the knowledge of being pregnant, I don't know. But I found myself being extra careful with the way I walk, the way I washed my stomach area during my bath, the way I sat on the chair at my dressing table to apply my moisturizers and the way I adjusted myself on the little couch in my room. Was I beginning to be over protective of this fragile thing inside of me? Was I beginning to accept it?

I had woken up in the middle of the night, stood in front of my mirror and kept staring at my stomach. So many thoughts ran through my head at that point, a lot of bad thoughts actually. I even thought of drinking my Gucci perfume but then, I realized that I could die in the process. I also thought of deliberately falling in the bathroom, face down so that I could hit my stomach on the floor but I also realized that I would definitely suffer a head concussion and some terrible bruises. But I thought, "No, It wasn't worth it". In trying to kill a thing I did not want, I would end up hurting myself terribly and I couldn't bear such pain. I had knelt in front of the mirror and asked it questions like; why did you come to me? why did you choose now to afflict me with this manner of dilema? But I got no answers. Instead, I felt warmth flowing from my inside.

I know Mom's intention. She's trying to make me bond with it the same way she would lock Tinu and I outside the house whenever we quarreled so that we would resolve our dispute and bond anew. I could swear her plan was working cos I was feeling this warmth I had never felt before and it was like a strong connection, almost electrifying. I was still in shock about the whole thing and I was done beating myself for the mistake. It's happened and there's no turning back. If I even dared remain adamant about getting rid of it, Mom would keep me locked up here for as long as it would take to make me change my mind. Am I ready to keep it? Am I ready to be a Mom? Am I ready to give up myself for some tiny fraction of myself that would depend on me for the most part of it's life? Am I ready to share my time? Am I ready to be called 'Mom'? I don't know.

I felt mentally drained as I ate my breakfast.

....................

Noon.

I was having a nap when Mom walked into the room. She shook me awake and when I open my eyes, she had brought me Lunch of Yam porridge cooked with vegetables. She laid it on the bed and poured me some water to drink first before eating. I did as she had said cos I woke up famished. I had thrown up earlier after breakfast and was feeling light from hunger. Mom sat on the couch in my room, watching me eat.

"Lola, are you angry with me?" she asked
I paused on the food to look at her before answering "No Mami"
"You know I want the best for you right?"
I nodded still eating but she continued
"If you had noticed, I didn't ask you about the father because I don't want you to worry about that first. I had to lock you in here because, I wanted you to think about your decision. I did it out of the love of a mother. Do you understand?" she said
"I understand Mami. It's just that, I'm sacred. I don't know how to do this. I only know how to take care of myself; I don't know how to take care of someone else." I answered with watery eyes.

Mom left her seat and came to join me on the bed.

"Lola, What makes you think you can't take care of it? Look at me, you've been looking after me since your father died. To me, you are my mother. And why am I still alive if I can't help you take care of the baby when it's born? Ife mi, you're not alone in this!" she said vehemently
I shook my head and said, "Oh Mom! I don't want to be a single Mom. It won't be fair on it to grow up without a father."

Mom took my hand in hers while thinking about what she wanted to say before talking,

"Tell me then, who's the father?"
I hesitated first but I replied after a bit,  "Jeff. His name is Jeff Oku. He's a lawyer"
Mom's face lit up with the brightest smile ever as she spoke excitedly, "Oluwa e seun o! Does he know yet?"
I shook my head
"Please tell him today. He must know!"
"Mom! I can't. I've been a very terrible person to him. Always have been. If I tell him, he would think I'm trying to tie him down with responsibilities. It would kill my ego if he begins to think so about me" I whined
"Look at you, you sound just like a man Lola. Listen, call him and tell him. He has a right to know that he has a child somewhere. Do it today!" she urged me
"Okay Mami. I'll tell him in person when I go back home. Please..." I pleaded
She shrugged but agreed then she got up and packed up the dirty plates to the kitchen. I was left alone again pondering on how I was going to tell Jeff.

......................

Evening

My life is a movie. The things that have happened are things I wouldn't have believed would happen. My stay in Lebanon had turned me into a pawn in the hands of men. On one occasion, I had taken in and immediately removed it. It had been easier for me to move on cos I had a target but I hated my lifestyle and I wasn't ready to keep relics of that life. My new life now is something I have carved out for myself. I play my own tunes and I dance to them the way I want without putting my back down for favors. I'm not bothered if Jeff accepts or refuses responsibility for the baby, I've made up my mind. I know now what must be done.

I get up from my bed to go out but the door is still locked.

Oh Mom!

DAY 9 (LOLA'S 12 DAYS OF XMAS)

Morning

I had another bout of throwing up again from 8 am this morning. This time, I locked myself in my bathroom so that Mom won't catch me unawares. She would immediately sniff the truth if she caught me throwing up again another day. Afterwards, I brushed my teeth thoroughly to kill the bile taste in my mouth. I do my usual skin ritual and had a warm bath. I went to the in built mirror on the wall beside my wardrobe to do a thorough check up of my body. I locked the door to my room first so no one would barge in on me.

My stomach was still flat but I noticed a slight bump like I had overfed my self or was I seeing double? I turned to my side to see if really I was growing a bump; it was there like it wasn't there at all. I placed my hands on my breasts, feeling their weight. They were slightly heavy, not bigger than normal but just slightly heavy. My nipples were bigger and tender. All of a sudden, the consciousness that I was carrying another life inside of me overwhelmed me and I started trembling. I had a tornado of emotions running through me; I was angry, scared, sad and confused.  I knew then that I had messed up real bad.

How I did I allow this happen? I had been so confident and sure that my pills were working. I had taken an injection to stop my monthly flow for a while and it was when the six months duration had expired that I consulted my doctor to put me on the pills. Is it possible that just missing the pill for once could cause this misfortune to happen to me?

"There's only one way to this Lola. Get rid of it" I said to myself and started dressing up to go out. If I'm going to do this, I have to do this today.

........................

I had just packed a bag with an extra cloth, undies, and my laptop. I unlocked the door and stepped out of the room but then, I forgot my car keys so I went back inside to get them. Just when I had picked them up, Tinu walked into my room teary eyed. She had probably cried herself to sleep as well. I was surprised when I saw her cos I hadn't heard her open the door.

"Why didn't you mention any of it to me Sister Lola?" she said tearfully
"Mention what?" I asked irritated. I was in a foul mood already. My predicament was giving me enough headache and Tinu wants to come and add hers.
She sniffed and said "That you dated Darey back in the University"
I answered impatiently "Well, as you said 'back in the University', that's in the past"
"You think so? Oh my God! I can't believe I've been married to someone who sees you when he looks at me." she sniffed again
"What do you mean Tinu? Look I don't have time for this. I've got an appointment somewhere." I started walking towards the door but she stopped me midway.
"No sister Lola. You don't get to leave. Look at you, your life is so perfect. You have it all, you're beautiful and sexy, you don't lack anything, you can have any man you want so why won't Darey marry me? To be closer to you since he couldn't have you even if you dumped him. So, I'm like the substitute that he gets to settle for!"

I was surprised and disappointed that she would interpret things that way so I lashed out at her.

"Shut the hell up Tinu! Shut your mouth before I shut it up for you! Jeez! you are so selfish! You always want everything to be about you. You think I dumped him because I wanted to? I had to hustle so that we could have a life. Dad was broke remember? And he kept on falling sick until he died. Mom couldn't afford to give you an education so I had sex my way to Lebanon, sex my way to survive while there  and also sex my way to pay for my Masters so that you too could have an education. I was tired of the lack we suffered Tinu.

I didn't inform Darey that I was leaving cos he won't understand and when I returned, he had married you. What was I to do then huh?! Yank him away from you?" I was shedding tears now. Tinu looked shocked but I didn't stop, I continued. I just needed to purge myself off this anger burning in my chest.

"You've got no idea how hard it was to pleasure those greedy men so they could release their money." I paused and looked at her then added, "Darey loves you Tinu. I'm a cold bitch and he knows it. I don't love him, I don't even think I can love any man anymore. Not even a baby. Everything I have now, is as a result of the tough decisions I had to make and I don't regret any of it."

I leaned against the door to catch my breath. I felt fatigue all of a sudden. Our voices had been loud as we shouted as each other but I didn't care. Tinu took slow steps towards me and said carefully,

"I'm so sorry Sister Lola. I didn't know you went through all of that for us but you've got to keep that baby inside you and love it cos it will bring you happiness"
"It's none of your business Tinu. Stay out of this" I replied

At that point, Mom barged into the room with a dumbfounded expression on her face. She had probably heard the noise coming from my room and had come to check. I am done for.

"Which baby?" she asked

None of us spoke and she shouted,

"Which baby?!

Tinu quickly answered, "Lola is pregnant"
Mom jumped as she shouted again "Jesu! E seun o! (Jesus, thank you!)"

She put her hand on my breasts and after some seconds, she removed it and said smiling,

"it's still young but it's growing. Oh Ife mi! God bless you! You've made me so happy?"
"I'm not keeping it Mom. I'm getting rid of it" I said looking her straight in the eye.

Before I knew it, I felt a heavy slap on my face. It was so unexpected that I staggered and started crying. Mom started shouting furiously.

"Abi o nya were ni?!(Are you mad?) Do you think you are still a child? Do you know how many women are out there looking for children?! Lola if you do anything to that child I will disown you! Oponu!"

I heard the voices of Darey and Tinu pleading with Mom to calm down but she kept ranting. Then she shocked everyone. She called Bayo to bring the food she had prepared for me for breakfast, then she told everyone to go out, she locked me inside my room and went out with the key.

I ate the food and out of exhaustion, I fell into a deep sleep.
....................

Evening

I'm under house arrest. I can't even open the door to the room except Mom unlocks it which she didn't. I saw my dinner of yam porridge with some fruit Salad on my dressing table and ate it soberly. I'm brooding on what to do but nothing comes to my head. All I feel now is fear.

DAY 8 (LOLA'S 12 DAYS OF XMAS)

Morning.

I woke up this morning feeling terribly nauseous. My night was restless cos I had been feverish. I checked for the time; it was just 7 am. I tried standing up to go to the bathroom but I felt really light headed and dizzy so I relaxed back on the bed. I turn on the Tv just for some distraction from the way I was feeling but before I knew it, I saw myself on the floor of my bathroom throwing up. By the time I was done, I was too weak to get up. I stayed there for some time and dosed off cos the spasm kept shaking me up and I kept throwing up.

.................

Noon

I open my eyes to find myself on my bed. There was a cool towel on my fore head, Mom was beside me muttering some prayers under her breath, Tinu was just ushering the kids out of my room while Darey was seated opposite my bed and watching me intently. Our eyes met and he immediately stood up with his stethoscope. Mom noticed the movements and she as well quickly turned to face me whilst thanking God audibly now.

"Oluwa ese o! Lola, bawo ni ara e nsi?  (Thank you God! Lola, how are you feeling now)?"
I tried sitting up as I replied. "o re mi Mami.  (I'm tired) What happened?" I asked
"I found you collapsed on your bathroom floor after waiting for you to come out all morning. Oh! Thanks to God, you're alright" she was touching my head with the back of her hand
"All morning?!" I asked feeling too weak to express how baffled I was. I checked the wall clock, it was 2 pm.

Darey who had been standing aside and watching us talk cleared his throat "Ehem. Mami, please go and prepare pepper soup for her while I do another checkup on her. Don't worry, she'll be alright"
"Ok. Lola, mo pa da bo. (I'm coming back) Let me go and prepare the food"
I nodded then she left.

Darey inserted the stethoscope in his ears and started checking my pulse. Afterwards, he sat at the foot of the bed looking at me as if waiting for a signal to talk. I was looking at him warily as well then tired of the mind games we were playing, I broke the silence.

"Alright, what is it?"
He ignored the acidic tone I used and answered "What did you eat yesterday Lola?"
"Fried rice and shrimps. Why?"
He was quiet as he took notes on his tab.
"Do you think I had food poisoning? Cos if it's the shrimps, it was properly cooked"
He stopped and looked at me, sighed and then said, "No Lola, you didn't have food poisoning, you're pregnant. You should avoid eating shrimps again."

My jaw dropped down. It's not true, it can't be, it's impossible. I laughed hysterically. Darey was looking at me like I was crazy.

"Listen Dr. Darey Adeola, I had food poisoning, I passed out, I'm awake now and I'm alright. Thank you but you're wrong."
Darey shook his head "Lola, you're pregnant and it's nine weeks old. You should be happy."
I looked at him with so much hate before shouting "Shut up Darey! Shut up your bloody lying mouth! I am not pregnant! And let me not hear a word of this outside this room else, you're done."
"What is your problem Lola?! Aren't you tired of being alone?! Now God has been kind enough to bless you with a gift of child and you're here rejecting it? How selfish can you get?!"

That enraged me and I stood up as I released the pent up emotion that had been eating me up

"You dare call me selfish? You dare call me selfish?! You who left me for my younger sister dare call me selfish? You're a sick joke!"
"Really? You think so? Well first, I had no idea she was your sister. Second, what did you expect me to do? We were an item on campus for three years then after graduation, you disappeared without a word. What was I to do Lola? Tell me.''
"Even at that, why did it have to be Tinu? Why?" I shouted again
"Because she healed my heart. She made loving a woman easy for me again. I never even knew she was your sister cos you never introduced me to your family."

I broke down to the floor and started crying and Darey came around to my side of the bed. He put a hand on my shoulder and said,

"What happened wasn't anyone's fault Lola. Maybe God had other plans for us. I don't regret marring Tinu and I'm sure you've been happy with your life just as I am with mine"

I didn't answer him. I shrugged off his hand from my shoulder and at that point, Tinu walked into the room. I and Dare looked up together and before we could say anything, she went out again and Darey went after her. I couldn't understand the look I had seen on her face but somehow, I didn't feel bad that she had possibly heard our conversation. I felt bad for myself; for dragging out long buried corpses from the shadows of my memory.

.........................

Evening

I didn't go out of my room throughout today. Thankfully, Darey and Tinu had been quiet about the news of my pregnancy so when Mom had brought the pepper soup to my room, I didn't notice any change in her mood. She had stayed with me for a while after I refused going to the living room for fresh air. She had served me dinner again, avoiding adding any sea food as Darey had advised her. He had told her I was allergic to sea food so she made my dinner with chicken instead.

.......................

Left alone, I ponder on the news about my pregnancy. How did I miss the signs? I stood up and went to my mirror to properly look at myself. Yes, my flat tummy is same and my body still looked same if not, Mom would have noticed the difference but how did this happen? Yeah, the last time I had had sex without my pills was in October but I had used them as usual in November. how did this happen? Oh no! I'm not ready, I've never been ready and I don't think I'll ever be ready to be a Mom to some tiny being who'll be helplessly dependent on me for life. I can't do this. I have to get rid of this immediately before Mom finds out.

I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.